The Wall

Thursday was a very atypical day for me in the best way. The group that was staying with us planned a trip to Wahoo Bay which is a nice beach on the far side of PAP from us. Trevor and I decided to go with them and so we get on the bus that morning and embark upon the 3 hour journey. The beach is certainly not the nicest I have ever seen in the Caribbean but I am sure happy to have this nice getaway so I swim little bit, have a rum punch, and soak up some sun. I actually don’t need to soak up any more sun because I’ve practically changed races by now, but I guess its kind of fun at this point to see just how far I can take this tan thing.

We leave a little before sunset and I’m bound to fall asleep at any moment as I’m very prone to sleeping on buses, but as it gets dark and we enter PAP I am wide awake. There are no streetlights and very few of the buildings are lit but the streets are absolutely crawling with people. Most of the light is coming from random piles of burning trash, which cast an eerie glow on the crumbled buildings. I sit up wide eyed through the whole city. I’m not really sure what’s going on around me because I can’t see much and its very frightening. We're safe because we are on the gigantic bus, but I keep imagining myself out on those streets. There's no way I would last more than 34 seconds. It puts me in a weird mood the rest of the night.

After I go to bed, Gabriel starts crying at 1:30 or some other ridiculous hour and then the roosters start crowing at like 4:30. You should hear these roosters. Most of them sound like they’re voice boxes are broken, its really weird. We named our rooster Stalin and basically hate his guts. I'm not sure why we even have him, I guess he's the pet of the Haitians who live in a tent in our front yard. So anyway, I don’t sleep very much and am a cranky beaver Friday morning. A series of annoying events proceed to unfold culminating with my Chaco breaking - My $100 hiking sandal that I can’t very well go to the store and return. I’m standing outside the school and just go nuts yelling at Jessi (a friend of mine from Zachary. Small world, right?) about how I’m going to write Chaco a nasty email and demand they hand deliver me another pair to Haiti on the double while she patiently nods. We brought a projector with us today and the kids are going to watch a movie while the teachers meet with some mental health professionals who have been working with the kids all week.

While the movie is playing my brain spirals as I’m sitting in the back of the church/school. I hit my wall. I would kill for vegetables, milk, a cold glass of anything, ice, clothes and dishes that are actually clean, the ability to flush my stinkin’ toilet paper and actually use soap and water to wash my hands instead of hand sanitizer when I finish using the twalet (that means toilet for you non-Creole speakers). I wish that I could actually get clean, that I didn’t sweat 25 hours a day. I just want a little deep conditioner for crying out loud and a bowl of cereal! Can I just go to church where they speak English and it doesn’t mean I’m bored when I cross my legs?!?! AhhhhHHH!

I begin to think I’m crazy. Maybe everyone who looked at me like I was a nut job when I told them I was going to Haiti for the summer was right. Why in the heck do I want to be here dealing with sick people and crying babies and no refrigerator when I could be chilling in New Orleans at a festival with the promise of a shower that is actually COLD waiting for me at the end of the day… not to mention a comfy bed???

So that’s it. I quit. I changed my ticket home and I’m leaving tomorrow…. Just kidding.

Maybe I am a little bit crazy, but I think if I didn’t hit a wall something would be wrong. I was talking to Rita today, a wonderful mom sort of lady who’s been staying with us all week, as we made the trip up to PAP in a taptap (after the trip we were covered in 3 inches of dust and all wanted to vom). Someone else seemed to be going through a similar situation and she likened it to running. When you start off you have tons of energy and feel like you can go forever, but after awhile things get hard. You have to really fight through the difficult part, and a lot of people quit there, but if you keep going runners high kicks in. And I was like, YES! That’s how I’m feeling.

Being here has been a super adventure, but now that I’ve been here a couple of weeks (which is crazy… doesn’t feel like it) the adventure is starting to wear off and let’s be honest, life in Haiti is just hard. But the challenge is growing me so much. God’s teaching me how much I can live without. All of those things that I miss are nice, but I don’t NEED them. I’m plenty happy here without them (except when I’m having a meltdown). He's also teaching me what I cannot live without. And its definitely made me a far more thankful person; there is so much rejoicing going on when I actually get to eat a vegetable or some sort of dairy product. I LOVE that 20 minutes after my shower when I don’t feel totally disgusting. Getting to watch the sunset over the Caribbean every day is like heaven. There is so much suffering here, but I get to see God take that and make it into something beautiful. I get to see orphans smile and laugh, dirt poor kids get an education, the excitement in a one of my English students when he learns a new word, and people be good to each other everyday. Heck, I even like having rice and beans for dinner every night, the sauce is delicious.

We’re staying in PAP tonight at Heartline guesthouse (the Haitian Hilton) so Rita can get to the airport tomorrow. I’m actually on a REAL computer, so I hope this post is much more legible. I had MEXICAN food for dinner tonight including real cheese and lettuce and tomatoes! My shower was actually cold and Megan and I whipped up a batch of cookie dough. I’m about to go to sleep on a lovely balcony under a beautiful night sky. I think this was just the battery recharge I needed. Here’s to getting over the hump.